sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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