That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The air was thick with penises
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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