i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
