Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
