I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
