I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
