I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My penis needs a shock collar
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Randomize
