I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
