So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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