do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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