I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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