so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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