I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
