Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
