Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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