He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
