I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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