All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
