Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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