did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
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So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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