I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
