everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Randomize
