I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
