somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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