drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
