Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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