Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
