Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
