they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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