don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
