I want to walk on stilts...naked
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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