that's an acceptable place to lick
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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