Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
as a side note pls kill me
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
