What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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