why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Vodka?
Forever.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
