I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
