I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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