M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
