Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
