sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
