Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
