Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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