he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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