you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
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