I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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