next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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