How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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