You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
