Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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