I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
