i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
