somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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