i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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