You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
