For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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