I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
