there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
